GUEST BLOGGER: MUDMAMA

one of the very first bloggers i struck up a relationship way back when i started this thing is still one of my biggest inspirations for how to parent with love and respect and a love for the good in life. besides the fact that she lives out in the county in nova scotia (where i believe my alter ego probably lives part of the year), she is supportive, open, compassionate and a wonderful role model. her kids are pretty amazing as well.
mudmama, thank you for always making me think about the way i choose to engage as a mother, a woman, a partner.


On becoming the parents we are...an anniversary and a game review or two

Scruples "The Game of Moral Dilemnas" has got to be the worst game on the planet. I'm sure it has caused divorces. But it provided me with a very important touchpoint for my parenting. An inspiration if you will.

I had a pretty crappy childhood in many respects. My parents separated when I was 7 and my mother left my younger brother and me with our father who was a suicidal rage filled alcoholic.

He was so despondent about his marriage ending that he was completely incapable of parenting and most of my childhood memories from that point on involve shame, helplessness, and embarrassment over his perpetual drunkenness and the neglect we suffered. It was so bad that at twelve I chose moving in with my mother and her pedophile boyfriend over the kind of anxious suspended living that happened in my father's house.

As you can imagine, things weren't much better there and large parts of my teens were spent weighing neglect with love and affection that come with a horrible price, and blaming myself for being so weak that I chose the terrible affection of my stepfather over the lack of any affection from my father. I tried to get my mom to stop it the summer before 9th grade. She didn't. It seemed she was more concerned about my being a competitor for his affection than the issue that her boyfriend was sexually involved with her child. I felt to blame. I felt like I had a target on my back.

I was a pretty messed up teen, and there was a lot of anger towards my mother. Then came Christmas 1985. We got Scruples. We played as a big happy family and my mother got asked a question that reconfigured everything for me. If you could only save your child or your partner who would you save? She didn't hesitate, she'd save the man in her life because you can always replace children, you can't replace the love of your life.

It was voiced. It wasn't me. It was her. It was her worldview that was screwed up, not me. I was not trapped in that damaged place.

I left the following spring. My entire family was ripped apart by my speaking the truth. I was such a shy kid, ill equipped for being on my own and I was completely shut out of my family - holidays, funerals. I needed that love so much, craved it, I married the first boy whose family welcomed me in and included me in family dinners.

I was really lucky to have older sisters who were starting their journey as mothers as I entered this period of feeling motherless. I looked to them for guidance and inspiration. One of the things that stuck with me was the idea that children were born perfect, our job as parents was to mess with that perfection as little as possible.

When I had my oldest child I swore that our relationship would be a partnership, a lifelong dance of love and support. That I would always make decisions with his wellbeing in mind. That how I treated him in childhood would be how he treated me in my old age.

It hasn't always been easy, he has Asperger's Syndrome and we went through a period where our lives provided a lot of challenges to his sense of sameness (which he considers stability) and he reacted violently. We've added three more siblings, a stepfather, and a stepbrother to the relationship too. We all dance together and I really can't say who leads. It changes so often, whoever needs to the most at that particular point in time..

Every time I have to make a hard decision for "us" I think about that lifetime contract I signed on for in choosing to be a mother.

My oldest is the same age I was when I played that fateful game of Scruples. At Christmas we always get a family gift, often a game. This year it's the Virtue Game which focuses on compassion, respect, enthusiasm, trust, friendliness, determination, responsibility, integrity, cooperation and thankfulness. We'll sit down as a big happy family and connect with the good that exists in each of us - draw it out of one another, talk about it, and celebrate it. That's what I hope inspires my children.