Thursday, February 24, 2011

arm full of bangles

my dreams of late are full of hills and stairs. mansions stuck on the side of a canyon, walking uphill in stilettos. i remember looking at my arm and seeing an entire forearm full of gold bangles that i recognized as important and expensive and yet i had no idea how i got there. we walked into a store and the woman told me the only reason my friends were allowed in was because they were with me and i remember laughing and kicking off my stilettos so i could walk around on the marble barefoot. i passed my a mirror and i was tall, long legged. and blonde.

i've started thinking about what i'm going to say when finn asks what i was like in high school. what kind of girl i was. i tried out for softball but hadn't played in seven years. it didn't go well. i tried out for cheerleading one year but failed to practice enough to remember the cheer i was supposed to choreograph so i didn't do that part of the tryout. and didn't make it. i even tried out for student council one year but ran against two of my closest friends who were incredibly popular. it's like i was asking to fail. i was on the yearbook staff. so there's that. my friends were popular but i don't think i was. i did well academically and partied a lot. a lot. truth be told, i loved high school. but i was not tall, long legged. or blonde.


  1. Mmmm... I was on the literary magazine... because nothing else fit. Tried tennis. Shot put (on a dare...) and sitting at the cool kids table. Nothing really fit well back then.
    You'll figure out what to tell her. And she'll love your stories!

  2. Neither was I (tall, blonde, or popular)

    I was alone really. No one understood (teachers and students alike) that when you left home at 16, you weren't really lucky. I had to work in order to survive and I wanted to continue with school. That was SO important to me.

    I stood out like a sore thumb the punk rocker chick with a brain. I wouldn't change a thing. (Hugs)Indigo

  3. Oh my god, that was totally my high school experience! Not into sports, music, not drama. Art--yes. Friends with the 2 most popular girls but only vaguely popular because of that. I partied, was not myself, had fun...

    I think we would have been friends :)

  4. it's pretty remarkable, this being a mama to a scares me, especially when/if she starts asking about my high school years. my h.s. experience was one that i would never want for my girl - i was wild and smart, but not able to apply myself, lonely and slightly popular because of my friends.

  5. Hmmm, I mull over these things too. I was/am blonde, not so tall, popular for the wrong reasons (no, not THOSE reasons, just a general shit-stirrer). In a conversation with my husband tonight I realised again that in all my actions- stupid and sensible - I've always maintained the only thing I never lost sight of was the fact that I'm worth being treated well, that I don't deserve to be treated badly - whether by high-school kids or people out there in the world now.
    And that is the one true thing I hope to pass on to my girls.
    Loving your blog, hope you're feeling better.

  6. Part of being a parent is sifting through the things in my life that I don't want for my girl and the parts I wish for her that I had. I think while my gal won't get lost in reading like I did (my saving grace) she has more heart and capacity for joy than I can ever remember having. Sigh...
    I was a girl on the fringes- no mans land. In the band and on the softball team but never really part of anything- no knack for it.

  7. I struggled so hard when you were going through all the tryouts and then not making it - do I hug you so tight that disappointment in yourself is purged? All I knew to do was to love you and encourage you to try anything you wanted to and that if it didn't work out, that's ok. Not much of a remedy for a teenager but being a Mom is such a "wing it" much of the time because every child and experience is different. Finn will always know you love her no matter what and that's the best part for me. I was in 2 different high schools - just made the drill team when Grandpa told me we were moving (I actually told him I wasn't going!!). So starting a new school halfway through Junior year doesn't leave much time to do anything - I was lucky. Sort of popular by default since Bill was popular. And being a cheerleader is fun but it has its drawbacks too - sometimes it's too much fun.....and boy did I have fun. Looking back, I think we all might have done things a little differently - but we did the best we could (or so we thought) at the time.

    You've grown into the most amazing woman and I love you so much and am proud to be your mother every single day.

  8. I thought you were pretty and cool in high school. I wish I had the nerve to tell you. This coming from a successful athlete that got good grades and was semi-cute (at least I thought). We all failed in one form or fashion in high school. You are a deep thinker and great writer. Embrace the present.


use your kind words.