Tuesday, April 26, 2011

the night sky

she sleeps with books tucked around her. and i hear her telling stories to herself after we lay her down for the night, singing and talking to the stars on her ceiling. (her "stars from nova and iku" as she calls them. because they gave her the sky.) a solid hour sometimes. i try to listen and hear where her heart takes her. where her dreams start. and i sneak in every night before i lay down to turn off her stars. because i don't want them to catch fire. sometimes burning out is not better than fading away. it's all about context, don't you think?

do you ever sit sometimes in that little spot between everything you have and everything you want? where you think you would be so happy 'if only...' and you fill in the blanks with so many things and then the things change and you realize you might never be happy at all, once you've been honest with yourself. and then the earth shakes and the waters move and you think 'if only...'

i wonder sometimes about living on one side of a parallel universe. and i wonder if the forks in the road where i stood and turned around would have merely led to the same couch but in a different living room or if perhaps i would have joined the peace corps or started an organic farm had i followed the footprints of anyone else. i wonder about the way time passes and how much control i really have over where i end up. i think about the fact that perhaps i am not an old soul, after all. that i am still new because i always seem to be a few steps behind, trying on the footprints of others and realizing a half a beat too late that they don't fit just right. as i get older, i start to fully understand who exactly i am but then i realize i am closer and closer to becoming merely the person i used to want to be because so much time has passed that certain windows have been covered, replaced with walls.


  1. you are a great writer and i love you. pulling out the Bukowski doesn't hurt either.

  2. Krista! Such a wonderful post. I relate to all of it. Have sat right there in the middle of have and want and oh oh oh will I be happy if if if. I read once, that the grass is always greener on the side you water. I've been trying to live present in the moment without all the wondering of if-then-what. I don't want to swallow God or anything else without thinking. LOVE that quote! And I think we live our whole lives trying on footprints and discarding them like old soles. It's how we become. It's how we know others. It's how we learn empathy, and disgust! All that sloughing off. Exfoliating. We will have much left to die. We will die all shiny new from the inside out as our stars catch fire.

  3. one of the most freeing things for me is when i read about the "arrival fallacy" that happiness would arrive when i..... and i realized it is a fallacy - i have to embrace the now and not worry about the when.

  4. That spot you speak of - between what you have and what you want? I tend to stare at it and then realize my life is what it is in the here and now and that won't ever change.

    Oh how many times I look back and wish I hadn’t done what I did that one particular day that did in fact change my whole life. All my dreams of flying until I was ready to settle down with Bill (or ?), get married and have children; that all went up in smoke. No more flying, disowned by my own parents (not forever, but long enough to still hurt), to end just a working stiff who has to work until she dies at her desk when I had the opportunity to grab the golden ring and take a chance of doing what I really wanted to do but chose that other fork in the road and settled for what I could get. I had that chance – and tossed it away so very carelessly. Yet, if I had pursued that dream, gotten married, had children in a different life –they wouldn’t be you. Of all the follies of my life, you are the one thing that makes me proud of who and what I am so I have to think I took what I chose was the wrong fork for everything else and ended up your mother and Finn’s grandmother was the path I was meant to take. Of the many regrets I tend to worry about and wish that I had made better choices in so many instances, all I have to do is think of seeing you and your family again and my heart swells with love and pride. And I find that “spot” has faded… I love you Kritter, Mom

  5. damnit, mom. between you and bryan i'm going to start crying at work.
    i'm pregnant. play nice.

  6. i spend too much time there myself.

  7. There have been many places I have been emotionally. But none of them have brought me peace or joy like

    Living in the now.
    Living in gratitude.
    Living in celebration of the time I have on this earth.

    Hope you have a wonderful week Love.

    That Girl in Pearls

  8. P.S. The Woodlands is Lovely :) I'm not sure about never wanting to leave. But the trees and shopping sure are nice :)

  9. Wonderful quote.
    Wonderful post- filling like a great meal. I know exactly those feelings and thooghts. Now older than 50 and I look back and think- why did I want any of those men? Why did I even fill up my life with wanting the wrong things.... sigh.
    Now I have Kayli and now makes sense which makes me wish I had now before!

  10. your words are beautiful and food for thought.

    and bukowski's words are brutal, and i am taking them to heart as i think i am wasting my life away and i need to do something about it.

  11. I find I always use the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" or "brilliant" when I comment on your posts and it feels redundant, but I don't know how else to describe your writing and what it does to me, physically, the way it makes goosebumps appear on my skin and raises the hair on my neck and I think to myself, "I know this, I know I know this, but I have been waiting all my life to be able to write it in those words and now Krista beat me to it. Again. DAMMIT." :)

  12. I really love this post. But I don't agree that fucking is a waste. I think it's essential. xo

  13. That Bukowski dude really knows a thing or two. I love your post. So awesome.


use your kind words.