i felt the baby move today. flutters i probably wouldn't have noticed had i not been here before. wearing flattering and comfortable and stylish maternity clothes courtesy of my mother and enjoying food for the first time in five months, today was a first bloom. full of plans for the future and cheeseburgers and a mid afternoon nap.
why is three so hard? i find myself snapping at her because she is like a walking remix of herself, perpetually echoing her questions which do NOT go unanswered. she pushes every single boundary put in front of her and i find myself getting angry in a crowded shopping center because she tries to run away and i hear my mom's voice echoed in my own while my own mom is standing right next to me with the exasperated smile of someone who knows exactly where her granddaughter gets this behavior.
she has taken to hitting. not hard. just enough to make her point. but with the same look in her eyes that nemo gives his father when he slaps his lucky fin on the bottom of the boat. she will do it, knowing the consequences, just to see if we will follow through. it's exhausting, knowing she is keeping track. impressive, but exhausting.
but i won't remember that, will i? instead i will remember how we went to carney's for lunch and while we were waiting for our cheeseburgers, she grabbed the sides of my face and gave me a big kiss. 'i love you, mommy. and i love the baby.'