i'm sitting here drinking lukewarm day old decaf coffee and it's not bad. i mean, i should know better. i've been taught about the differences between subtle flavors and grades and yet i still cannot distinguish between the good and the bad. it's as though i am looking at a thomas guide but i don't know what page to turn to because the next page over is in another county and that just doesn't make any fucking sense. why is the map in book form? and why am i the only one who doesn't get it?
it's exhausting. this trying to understand the world the way that others see it. because sometimes i see things in the clouds and i don't think anyone else gets them. i can't seem to pull anyone into my hallucination and it makes me feel utterly alone. and i know that i am not alone. not like my friend who is fighting for her relationship. not like my friend who just lost her husband. not like my friend who just watched her boyfriend die. not like...not like...not like...there are so may ellipses to fill out and i wonder how three little dots can hold so much weight. how they can be so positive with their implied meaning of on and on and on and yet sometimes it just means that the shit keeps piling up on itself and there is no one there with a shovel. just someone taking pictures to sell to a magazine to show the state of the world we're in.
but all i really want to do today is paint my nails. with glitter.
and finish my coffee before it gets too cold.
~just write~
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
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That is a beautiful post indeed, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt made me want to send you a poem by Frida Kahlo:
"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me
who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do.
I would imagine her,
and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too.
Well I hope that if you are out there and read this know that yes,
it’s true I’m here,
and I’m just as strange as you."
Kind regards,
Miriam
Oh, honey. I get it the way you see things. You have so much heart. And those little dots often hold so much more than all the words we spill out.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
I do think Elizabeth and you and me probably share the same hallucinations.
ReplyDeleteSteph
Yes, I'm seeing your hallucinations too. I think we would get along fabulously.
ReplyDeleteHope you got the glitter on your nails and your coffee went down hot.
I think each of us feels alone in our own individual experiences, the way we look at coffee mugs or maps or the world or whatever it is. What joins us together is our language and our acts of reaching out to each other. And sometimes... just sitting with each other in our loneliness is the best way to chase it back out into the night.
ReplyDeleteEverything you write - over my head or right inside - I marvel at you and am so blessed to call you my daughter. And the new "just write" looks pretty cool too... Thomas Guide? I get it, but I'm so "in the box" that my mind must go that way - new county or not. Then again, creativity isn't my forte.....I just know how to appreciate it. xxoo Mom
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tracy. I just posted a song that makes me feel delightfully alone, the kind of alone I crave. And Krista...(3 ellispes that mean so much) I don't WANT you to see the world as everyone else does (I'm stamping my foot, in case you didn't see that). I wouldn't be here if you did (not that it matters to you one hill o' java if I am), but I'm just saying. You're eyes are beautiful and unique. I love seeing through them.
ReplyDeletei recognize this soul-ache. me, too.
ReplyDeleteI hope you did. I hope your painted both of your fingers and toes in glitter and had a tickle fest. And counted all the sweet moments until the ache faded.
ReplyDelete