i'm sitting here drinking lukewarm day old decaf coffee and it's not bad. i mean, i should know better. i've been taught about the differences between subtle flavors and grades and yet i still cannot distinguish between the good and the bad. it's as though i am looking at a thomas guide but i don't know what page to turn to because the next page over is in another county and that just doesn't make any fucking sense. why is the map in book form? and why am i the only one who doesn't get it?
it's exhausting. this trying to understand the world the way that others see it. because sometimes i see things in the clouds and i don't think anyone else gets them. i can't seem to pull anyone into my hallucination and it makes me feel utterly alone. and i know that i am not alone. not like my friend who is fighting for her relationship. not like my friend who just lost her husband. not like my friend who just watched her boyfriend die. not like...not like...not like...there are so may ellipses to fill out and i wonder how three little dots can hold so much weight. how they can be so positive with their implied meaning of on and on and on and yet sometimes it just means that the shit keeps piling up on itself and there is no one there with a shovel. just someone taking pictures to sell to a magazine to show the state of the world we're in.
but all i really want to do today is paint my nails. with glitter.
and finish my coffee before it gets too cold.