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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

the run off

when i first moved to hawaii after college, there was a week-long period of time i was alone. my boyfriend at the time flew back to california after helping me get settled and my best friend wasn't joining me until the end of the month. i had no television, no friends, no phone, no car. i slept on a foam mattress and all of my belongings fit into one suitcase and one travel chest. i landed a job at a nearby restaurant but wasn't going to start for another week. i envisioned myself walking along the coast of the pacific ocean, the wind caressing my skin, my hair golden. skin kissed.
i couldn't leave the apartment. i was fucking terrified. i read the only two books i had with me. twice. i smoked cigarettes. i wrote in my journal. i listened to music with intensity.
on the third day, i showered and got dressed. forced myself to walk to the local drugstore. i wandered the aisles, my feet bruised, my eyes darting. i focused on my breathing, counting to ten with each inhale and exhale. i pretended to look at makeup, lotion, pens. i picked up a soda. walked around with it. put it back. decided on a candy bar. some nail polish. i wondered if the people around me could smell my fear. i bought deodorant. once home, i ran back up the stairs to the apartment. locked myself inside and lit incense and put on some stevie wonder.
as i painted my toes later that night, i felt brave.
i am not a 'bull by the horns' kind of lady.

sometimes i think i am going to look back at large portions of my life and wonder what the hell i was so afraid of, exactly.

this is why i submitted to be a part of 'expressing motherhood.' why i forced myself to not back out once they invited me to join them for this show. i didn't want to wonder what i was afraid of this time. i wanted to be able to identify it properly. what i didn't expect was the run-off. the thin, iridescent bubble of motherhood is a common denominator, of course. but the women involved in this production are more than that. i feel a sense of kinship that only happens when you put yourself out there for people to see. when you don't hide from the sun. i feel as though i am worthy of it. i didn't expect that.


monday, after a full weekend of shows, i walked to the drugstore. (well, metaphorically.) i took the kids to the natural history museum to meet an old friend who works there. she gave us a guided tour. and we walked next door. had lunch in the rose garden. wandered around california science center. we even braved the spider pavilion. (sweetjesus. all finn's idea. not mine.)





i am afraid of so many things. and i worry that my fears will trickle down my arms and land in my childrens' laps and they will swallow them whole.
strange that it took a combination of standing in front of a room full of strangers and a giant building full of taxidermied animals to expand the boundaries of my comfort zone.
strange that those boundaries know how to expand at all.

there are four more shows. next weekend. tickets are available here.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, how I wish I could come to your show.

    Steph

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  2. I'm afraid of so many things myself, and like you, I'm trying to push myself further, and through it. Because I don't want to be that chick that wonders why I was so scared afterwards...

    I admire you for being able to get on stage and perform, despite being fearful...to me that is super brave.

    xo

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    1. thank you, lady. it's an ongoing battle, isn't it?

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  3. I just bought my tickets for Saturday night. I'm going to introduce myself - don't hide from the sun, ok?? Stephanie, I so wish you were going, and I could introduce myself to you, too. And that I could go to your LTYM... I hope there's going to be a Canton OH cast this year!?

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    1. yes! i'm so excited to finally meet you live and in person!

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  4. I wish I could see your show! Break a leg!

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. oops! deleted my comment.
      lira, i'm definitely going to make it to one of your shows soon! for real!

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  5. omg. OMG! your experience mirrors many of mine -- particularly along the lines of travel, moving, new hurdles in a relationship, + doctor visits, etc. i am TERRIFIED of so many things. big changes can be so difficult. as i have been told many a time, i MAKE things difficult. i just can't seem to help it. ugh!!!! but, once something is conquered, it is generally not as terrifying for the next go 'round. at least that is what i am saying today. :)

    and i love your pictures.

    i will check the link for tickets!

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  6. p.s. please note that i have never been to this theater. UGH!!! going to new places can be so scary. jesus! how do i live and breathe!>!??!?!! i swear sometimes i think i will end up in a corner in my closet if i don't get a grip. and then some days i am fine. or i pretend to be! lol

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    1. girl. it is burbank. as far as los angeles traveling goes, it's as safe as it gets. so at least there is that. xoxo

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  7. i wish i could see your show.

    xo

    p.s. proud of you and miss you like what

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  8. Beautiful post, Krista! It's been wonderful doing it --

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  9. I'm so sorry I missed your show - I've always said I would see anything that you're in - but it just wasn't possible this time. I love to watch everyone while they watch you perform - and this was from what you yourself wrote --- hopefully they recorded one of the shows so I can buy one and see for myself how wonderful you were.

    I never realized your fears when you moved to Maui - but we only had the occasional phone call back then. What I truly love about your blog is threefold -- one, it tells me about things past that I maybe didn't know or remember, two, it tells me what's going on during the times that we don't talk or see one another, and three, it makes my heart swell with pride with I read your painted pictures with words that you share with us - you are indeed an amazing woman and I want to thank you for being my daughter. And for letting me write run-on sentences in the remarks........!!

    Love you.....Mom

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  10. sing it, sister! this is my year of living "fearlessly" - 'cept i'm not without fear, just sort of scrinching my eyes up tight and growling at the fear when it rears up, then - walking through, anyway. scary, exhilirating, freeing, big. keep walking, mama.

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use your kind words.