while out shopping, we made a stop at toys r us. they have those mechanical muppets and such in the front. we walked by the toddler mechanical bull (okay, kermit) and finn pointed and squealed. fifty cents later and we've damaged her for life. she screamed so loud other parents looked at us and shook their heads.
let me repeat that: other parents AT TOYS R US. the one place where parents let their kids run amok and touch everything. candy trailed throughout the place and broken toys discarded like empty cigarette butts. and there we are. you would have thought i was dragging her through a phone store on a leash.
i took a picture while she was on the ride. but i'm not posting it. i thought it was funny at first. then i looked at it on its own, context open in another window entirely. and it made me sad. for that 4 seconds that she sat on the machine, she was absolutely terrified. and who am i to tell her that she shouldn't be scared? that there is nothing wrong? maybe it's me that has the problem. a life size green frog rides shotgun and i'm telling her that everything is okay? that this is fun?
i dreamt last night that i lived in a large mansion with glass walls. but the front door was all wood and i couldn't hear through the door and the peephole was all fogged up. so i opened the door and two men came in a took me hostage. in my dream, finn was in the other room and she was still a tiny baby. i woke up in a sweat. i grabbed a hold of the cool night air in my bedroom and wrapped it over my mouth, breathing in and out, familiarity coursing through my blood. i ran my fingers between the sheet and the pillows, counting fibers and reassuring myself that it was just pretend. it wasn't real.
green frogs riding shotgun.
glass walled mansions.
it was real at the time.