Saturday, April 24, 2010

toad in the hole

it's so easy to get derailed. to feel my stiletto snag on the rug right before it's pulled out from under me so that i also sprain a metaphorical ankle before crashing to the ground, broken flowers strewn about. the fact that i haven't worn a pair of stilettos in, well...longer than i can remember, has something to do with the story, i just don't know what. it bubbles, this anxiety. it raises pressure under the skin and in my veins and i finally understand why it's called blood pressure. it bobs on the undercurrents of waves we can't see, flowing past us and through us and stopping us in our tracks when we least expect it.
i have to teach her that sometimes people don't mean what they say, that there are people who will stand by their warped perceptions of the way in which their world works and that you have to know yourself well enough to not let it make you crazy. because another person's crazy is contagious. and it can fester and ripen and slowly build while you're busy picking your heels out of rugs, so focused on the stray threads that you don't even realize there is a gaping wide hole inches away waiting for you to fall in.


but then there is this:

there is breakfast, hearts in bread filled with eggs and fresh coffee steaming between the love we never take for granted. there is our family, always on our side with love and support and honesty, the three most important intangibles to pass down from one generation to the next. there is finn's first full sentence "i like cookies" and her seemingly misplaced inflections that actually make me think she sees things that i don't and i better start listening a little bit better.
there is the painstaking love that seeps out of every pore of my body when she sleeps and i stand over her, watching her breath in and out and in and out, kneeling down next to her so that i can count every eyelash and whisper love into her hair and make sure she has enough of my love there with her when she sleeps to scare away the owl that bit her foot in her very first articulated nightmare.
there is the belief that even if i don't deserve perfect happiness, she does. and that hers is still so intrinsically tied up with mine that i better get to working on it asap.
starting now.


  1. There is no better reason to figure ourselves, and our happiness, out than for our babies sake. To come to terms with it all. And man how I wish craziness wasn't contagious.
    This is staying w/ me for a while... thank you.

  2. I think you both deserve every happiness this life has to offer.

  3. I love "and then there is this" and everything after!

  4. Oh Krista... Your words never fail to get right into my heart and lodge themselves there. I love your beautiful soul and the adoration you have for your family.

  5. I am so happy to be reading you Krista. You make me happy. xo

  6. I have cried more in the last 5 years out of love for my son than I did in the entire first 15 years of my life I think. I just love him so much it hurts sometimes.

    I think if you don't have happiness now, you can easily find it by helping her find happiness. I am never more happy than when my son is at his happiest.

  7. This is lovely. "even if i don't deserve perfect happiness, she does. and that hers is still so intrinsically tied up with mine that i better get to working on it asap". Oh me too, me too, but I think there is no perfect happiness...there is a happiness born of contentment that is stronger in it's imperfection and acceptance of such.

    And I think I might just throw those dang stilettos away. I'm thinking the only thing they aid is the tilt of my ass.

  8. Everyone deserves perfect happiness...even if it's pretty much impossible to obtain at this point.

    Crazy is contagious only in how strong our reactions to it are. If we just sit with someone else's crazy it can run over us smooth like river over pebble. If we allow it to damage our calm then a whole new crazy of the equal and opposite reaction is started and that never did anyone any good.

    Finn's first full sentence was "I like cookies."? Really? I gotta meet this kid one of these days before she's fourteen and dating.

  9. Such a wonderful post! I think everyone deserves to be happy! :)

  10. I'm with Corinne up there. Lately I've been surprised by the tears that prick my eyes when I peak in on my sleeping boys before I go to bed. I get you, mama. I do.

    And now I'll go to bed dreaming of food-biting owls.

    xo elizabeth

  11. I'm so glad I was there to hear "I like cookies" - and how excited we all were to hear her first sentence!! Especially how she put the inflection on "like" and continued to eat the sprinkles off her donut. And what's my very favorite word in the whole world? "Mimi" and in second place only because Mimi has taken over is "Maaam". xxooo Mimi and Maaam

  12. love, love, love. lately that is a mantra.

  13. I cannot remember how it felt in my heart before I loved my children.... it's such an amazing gift.

  14. Just to let you know I love your blog and it adds immensly to my life lately. ;-)


  15. heart shaped toad in a hole(s)!! so sweet.


use your kind words.