i was around 20 when i met her. she was 18. at college. my own world, finally.
i really wanted to be friends with her. so badly. spun webs from my fingers full of forced nonchalance, not wanting to look like i'm trying too hard. sometimes it's more humiliating to throw yourself at platonic friends.
she was friends with a boy i had a raging, unrequited crush on. i think she assumed i used her to get to him. really, i used my crush on him as a reason to hang out with her. it gave me something to talk about.
my emotional development at age twenty would have seriously debated team edward vs. team whateverthehelltheotherguy'snameis. she would have written a paper about it.
she and i never really became friends outside of the few parties we ended up at together. we left each other random messages here and there but that was it. one day, we ran into each other on campus. we made brief eye contact and she looked away. she looked back and i looked away. it had been almost a year since i had seen her last and i wanted her to make the first move. jilted looks like a warm afternoon in northern california, doc marten boots and a long flowing skirt. she kept walking and my heart broke a little.
i really wanted to be friends with her.
i'm not sure why exactly we spend time becoming acquaintances with people only to treat them like complete strangers. i'm not sure why i didn't try to talk to her that afternoon. i'm not sure she even remembers me. but i sometimes wonder if we're walking around, bumping into the same people, missing out on something.
do you have friends that could have been? friends you wish had been? friends you cut loose?