i was around 20 when i met her. she was 18. at college. my own world, finally.
i really wanted to be friends with her. so badly. spun webs from my fingers full of forced nonchalance, not wanting to look like i'm trying too hard. sometimes it's more humiliating to throw yourself at platonic friends.
she was friends with a boy i had a raging, unrequited crush on. i think she assumed i used her to get to him. really, i used my crush on him as a reason to hang out with her. it gave me something to talk about.
my emotional development at age twenty would have seriously debated team edward vs. team whateverthehelltheotherguy'snameis. she would have written a paper about it.
she and i never really became friends outside of the few parties we ended up at together. we left each other random messages here and there but that was it. one day, we ran into each other on campus. we made brief eye contact and she looked away. she looked back and i looked away. it had been almost a year since i had seen her last and i wanted her to make the first move. jilted looks like a warm afternoon in northern california, doc marten boots and a long flowing skirt. she kept walking and my heart broke a little.
i really wanted to be friends with her.
i'm not sure why exactly we spend time becoming acquaintances with people only to treat them like complete strangers. i'm not sure why i didn't try to talk to her that afternoon. i'm not sure she even remembers me. but i sometimes wonder if we're walking around, bumping into the same people, missing out on something.
do you have friends that could have been? friends you wish had been? friends you cut loose?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
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oh yes, definitely. I think the friends we make depends a lot on circumstance...same place at the same time. And when the commonalities end or change, it's easy to lose track of one another. People come and go and I think we take a little bit of everyone we meet with us somehow.
ReplyDeletedude how out to lunch was I if I have no idea who the girl is?
ReplyDeletehahah. amy! it was april. she lived in the dorms with lee and pat. speaking of, i wonder whatever happened to lee...
ReplyDeletei have friends that drift away...that's sad too
ReplyDeleteYeah. And yeah. Such a perfect post, Krista.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of the novel Marya by Joyce Carol Oates. It has been one of my favorites since college.
ReplyDeleteperfect.
ReplyDeleteGirl crushes are such funny things. I wish I had more girl friends. I wish I had more friends - I wish the friends I had were better!
Then sometimes, I think - if I'm better friends with myself, maybe I'll find better friends out there. *shrug* Maybe it's me who never makes eye contact.
xo
I definitely have had girls I really longed to be friends with. I still do! But I can't think of any real, adult way to go up to someone and give a mature version of "wanna be friends?"
ReplyDeleteA lot of my friends have been moving away, so this has been on my mind a lot lately...
I know that feeling all too well. But it's weird to think that as much as there's this girl out there somewhere that we really want to be friends with since she seems so cool, it might also be that we're that same cool girl in someone else's life.
ReplyDeleteso many. so many! i've been thinking about this a lot lately. friendship is terribly hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that I missed this when it first went up. Because just today, weeks after you wrote it, I was thinking about this. All the people we may be passing by, who maybe lived one town away our whole life, who could be our perfect friend that never was. You know? Like, I think about how there are so many people out there we would connect with, have chemistry with, but we only have a shot with those who cross our paths.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there are people whose words we catch, never their face in the flesh, about whom we think -- I want to be *their* friend.
xo
At one time or another, I seem to cut everyone loose.
ReplyDeleteIt scares the shit out of me to make a deep connection because I know I'll make an even stronger excuse to run the other way.
I dunno- this post resonates with me but you're right. It makes me feel kind of weird to have it resonate! I have had several experiences where there was a woman who I really wanted to be able to connect to but just never go there or felt rejected by her- usually they were "cool" and I was definitely not. But I try really hard, not always successfully, to stay engaged with those people who have taken that extra step to be my friend! I guess I'm not that cool but I am loyal. But it is hard to know what to do with girl love sometimes when you are straight!
ReplyDeleteI read this post days ago and have thought of it off and on ever since. I guess because it struck such a cord in me. Yes. OH, yes! I know just what you are talking about. When it happens now that a friendship I long for doesn't take off, I immediately feel flung back into Jr. High Hell. You know? One thing that has disappointed me about adulthood is that so many of our friendships are based mostly on proximity and convenience. Bummer, hunh?
ReplyDeleteThank God for the internet. I love the way we always find our tribe.