Monday, February 7, 2011


i hold truths in my mouth as if storing them for later. some of them trickle out and some of them get stuck in the cavities between cheek and gum. my three year old takes bites of food and then hides the food in her cheeks thinking we won't know it is there. i get upset because i'm worried she's going to choke and also because i don't want her to hold onto all of the things she doesn't want. i want her to spit them out. rinse away the remnants and smile freely. and wide. perhaps she sees my little truths, half hidden behind polite smiles and cloudy eyes and is merely reflecting them back to me.

i'm all wrapped up in myself these past few weeks. i'm sick again. so congested i can't breathe. at all. and then i feel like i'm about to be buried alive and i start to panic so i have to sit up and walk around the house to distract myself. i feel like i'm failing finn because i promise her i will take her to the store but then i don't even have the energy to get off the couch unless i'm going to throw up. bryan says i need to be nicer to myself. that pregnancy and i do not really get along and i have to ride it out.

i am missing deadlines for rsvp-ing, letting the remnants of neglect sit in the shower grout. i wear a uniform at home and just noticed that my hair is in a sad state these days. so many things in my life need some love and i am pushing them to the back burners and running out of pans.

i would like a vacation, a manicure, a massage, a spa day, a windfall, a swim in the warm ocean. i would like to pretend that any one of these things will make me feel like my young self again, full of promise and the absolute conviction that tomorrow will somehow feel better. that the best is yet to come. i want to stop feeling like i am fighting my body at all times. i would like to feel grateful more often than i feel like throwing up or giving in.

i had to leave work early today. bryan took finn to the park and when they came home, she handed me a bag. inside were breath right strips (the one thing i haven't tried yet to be able to breathe) and she sat with me while i put it on. thirty seconds later, she walked up to me, placed both hands on my cheeks and said do you feel better now, mommy? can you breathe better? can i have some juice?

we read a story together before bed and she sat next to me, her hand on my leg. at one point, i looked down at her and she looked up and smiled. patted my leg.
does your body feel better, mommy?

and i said yes.
because my heart has never felt better.


  1. Made me tear up.
    Well, Finn did.
    Although my 2nd pregnancy wasn't as taxing as yours sounds poor dear, I totally relate to that feeling that you're failing your eldest for not being present for them as you'd like to be, not having the energy you need to do that.
    Finn sounds so like my Frieda, who also stores food in her cheeks like a hamster 'til I'm totally freaked out and need her to spit it out, and always rests her hand on my leg when I'm reading to her and regularly totally blows me away with her compassion and caring. And ability to be so adult.
    Take care, take care, this too shall pass ...

  2. Ah, you make me smile, Krista. This is the kind of thing that makes me excited to one day have a child.

  3. That fourth paragraph could be the sum of my forties, and the lament of everyone in mid-life crisis. So I can only give you hope, that surely you shall endure these nine months if I am still here after 8 grueling years of forty-something. Finn learns just as much in your struggles as she does in your success. I used to get down on my knees in front of my little ones..."Mommy really wants to do better." And always those little hands on my face. So sweet. They do understand.


  4. ok - here's Mom to do something for you - how about a pedicure on Saturday - I will walk around with Finn til you're done - just a little pampering and to take your mind off everything else for a few minutes. We can do this after ballet/tap, ok? Love you!

    PS - remember how I've told you I was sick 24-7 for 8 months with you? And look how great you turned out and altho I didn't think I would at the time, I lived through it and am ok with myself now, being a "Senior Citizen". Only our memory can take us back to that young and "almost carefree" feeling-sometimes I'd like to live parts over again, but so far no one's offered me that option.....

  5. ok - just re-read your post - you want a manicure too - DONE!!!!!

  6. you are such a loving, thoughtful mama.

    I hope you feel better soon, K.

  7. Krista my love,

    I don't think beating yourself up is making anything better, though it's certainly pompous of me to write that when I don't know what you're going through.

    All I can say is - it will get better. It always gets better because life never stops moving, and movement is love and love is movement.

    Hugs, sweetie.

  8. Doesn't life sometimes feel like a steady fall from innocence? Ya. And then there are the moments that save us:)

    Bryan's right. Be good to yourself.


  9. Finn is absolute proof you get the details right. The pure innocent love that pours from her is a reflection of you.

    Be nice to you sweet friend. Your truth soothes my soul on many a day.

    I know your sick right now sweetie, when you feel better and get a chance can you shoot me an email my way at Thanks love. (Hugs)Indigo

  10. Oh my dear friend. Take care of yourself, and be nice to you.

    P.S. My sister used to do that with her food when she was small. One time she held it in her mouth for three hours.


use your kind words.