Friday, July 29, 2011

36 weeks

day two of being an official stay at home mom. nine months pregnant and wobbling around the nest , picking up twigs and sticks and stuffing found objects into corners. three and half weeks-ish to go before baby number two. this baby that we can't quite picture because we don't even know the gender. it still seems a bit like an idea we had one winter night and not the future direction of our household dynamic.
yesterday i sewed myself a shirt, covered two lampshades with fabric, created an art piece to take up the huge wall in the bathroom and organized the baby's stuff in our bedroom. in between these things, finn and i played with foam shapes, felt boards, beads and pipe cleaners. the marathon of last year's 'project runway' played in the background and for dinner we ate leftover pasta shells with eggplant and sausage that bryan made and finn told me 'you made the best dinner, mommy.' i totally took credit for it and said thank you so much.
i'm a little numb right now. not physically, although that would be fabulous since everything physical feels multiplied by elevenhundred and i can't even sleep at night because turning over on my side takes all the breath out of me and i lay there, restless leg syndrome and all and i think about bank accounts and mismatched paint and curtains. i am overwhelmed by everything i want to get done before this baby comes and i feel like drowning and lamenting the fact that i have WEEKS to go and i feel like i'm being swallowed by my swollen body and i know enough to know this time that giving birth is not going to make me feel better. that feeling better won't come for months and i will be tethered to this body i don't recognize and inside myself and outside myself at the same time and i will complain about how clean the floors are because i can't control anything else. some people make it look so easy. so i'm numb. and i fall asleep and think about past relationships and who i would be if i had stayed in certain situations or if certain situations had stayed in me.
twice before i thought i found 'the one.' one was my first real love and the other was never even a boyfriend, never really mine to begin with. somewhere between young love and ill timing i walked through the landmine that is another person's heart and tried to bury myself somewhere along the walls, etching my name with sharp fingernails to prove i was there. i wonder sometimes if the tag is still there or if it was painted over, remodeled. i suppose it doesn't really matter but one can't help but wonder. i don't look back at any of my entanglements with the romantic comedy fueled regret of missed chances or mistakes made. it's more of a killing the cat kind of thinking, tiny babies grabbing ribs and grazing parts of my heart that got me from here to there. to 'the one' i chose out of all the others. the one that chose me back. the one who agrees with me that there is more than 'the one' that makes us able to bear this life together because we are never enough for just one of anything. it takes a lifetime of mistakes to know the difference sometimes.


  1. So wise Mommy! I am circling back to "or if certain situations had stayed in me." With a second look back, I have to wonder what I left and what really took it's leave of me. I so agree...there is more than 'the one' that makes us able to bear this life together.

    These last weeks of pregnancy are hard. And in the summertime to boot! I had an August baby. I was so bloated from heat you might have mistaken me for the Hindenburg! My prayers are with you for a safe and healthy delivery!

  2. Make that nest and enjoy the moments with Finn and keep that handle on realism but know that the second time it all happens/passes/grows SO much quicker ... this is both a good and a sad thing.
    Looking fwd to meeting your baby.

  3. oh lady, for very different reasons i've been looking at past relationships and the ones that feel very familiar in your words here.

    i'm with you on how i felt with a pregnant body, and dude, i was always in wonder at the women that do bounce back because the after was almost harder the pregnancy, which wasn't easy and is why we only have one.

    thinking of you...xo

  4. ...all the best with your imminent birth krista - enjoy getting to know your new little one and working out how he or she best fits into your growing family...

  5. I'm getting so excited to meet Baby Kulisch and wondering what nickname Mimi will have for this one.

    The gamut of feelings and traversing down those back lanes of our memories - I still do that periodically and it is true - for without that relationship with your father (albeit short as it was at 4+ years), you wouldn't be in my life - so there you have it! All the woulda-coulda-shoulda will stay the same because we are in the here and now and they do make excellent memories for those times when we need/want them.

    You are such a wonderful person/woman/partner/mother and soon the baby will be home, you will have company for 3 weeks, then adapt to the routine of a family of 4. It will be different than with just Finn, but there will be so much love within and surrounding you that the transition will be imvisible and totally adaptable.

    Always remember how well loved you are - we will watch and grow with you. (sorry - sort of rambled around getting to here...)

    I love you so much Kritter. Mom/Mimi/Barbi

  6. meant to say INVISIBLE, not i"m"visible.....Mom

  7. Oh I get this. I had moments of panic when pregnant with my second. And a lot of looking back, of what if. Maybe because having two children was final, consolidated, in a way that one was not? I don't know.

    I'll be thinking of you.

  8. i love your writing. you are at the hardest part of pregnancy and i have to say, i bounced back much faster after the second baby than the first and i hope you find the same. the first time it is all new and the not knowing what is going to happen or how you are going to feel makes it all feel more and time stand still and when you have an older child who needs breakfast? you just make breakfast. you know? but it is just as completely special. xo

  9. I'm excited, so excited for you. Sorry you feel swollen and yucky, but so excited to meet your newest little one. Soon. Soon.

  10. Seriously, stop it with the perfect posts. Thank you for making me feel something other than tired on an early Sunday morning.


use your kind words.