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Saturday, July 2, 2011

apple pie

i am waiting for apple pie. my legs are full of cramps and cankles and the air conditioning blows right on me at night so that i can sleep. my doctor tells me i am carrying a large baby so we bought a maternity belt and i feel a bit like a body builder or warehouse worker while i walk around the toy store. bryan's son is visiting us for two weeks and i am understanding more and more how much two lives affects the parents more than the kids sometimes. i see it from a new perspective, twelve years old with a packed bag and he is unable to get a moment's peace from finn because she worships him so. my own pre-teen packed bags used to sit in the guest room of my dad's house and i remember sitting in foreign restaurants and asking permission to get something from the kitchen, at home and yet not.
i am waiting for apple pie because i have eaten all of the chocolate and ice cream in the house and dessert makes me happy. i look forward to it, after struggling through the day just to walk from here to there, taking a nap after a trip to the store because i simply can't stay awake a moment longer. somehow this baby seems abstract still, not knowing whether we have a boy or girl. our girl's name is pretty well agreed upon, barring any unforeseen changes of mind. the boy's name is a different matter entirely. i think about the roll of the dice we take with genetics at times and wonder if we are going to have children that look nothing like each other, their own faces entirely. bryan's son looks just like him, freaking out our friends.
bryan told me i was 'on point' today and he meant my mood. that i was a bit on edge and i'm thinking it's this lack of control, this struggle with financial freedom, this idea that we are crazy enough to think we can be good parents to all of our children in this kind of world. i watch episodic television that deals with unsavory and unsettling storylines because i cannot handle the real things people do to each other, sometimes unsolved and barbs of blame stuck inside the skin of each other. i shouldn't read the news while pregnant.
i think about how i wish we had a fancy backyard, a few years' worth of savings, a perfect nursery that would be photographed for style blogs and i realize my first world concerns are born of such ridiculous notions that i cannot help but get irritated and wait.
for apple pie.

9 comments:

  1. there's no control. not a drop. just enjoy that apple pie.

    xo
    oh my, you're growing...
    erin

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  2. You have exactly everything you need. That last waiting, waiting period can wreak havoc with our nerves. Hugs. Finances wax and wane with the deceptive illusion of contentment but what you have internally is precious. Hugs.

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  4. Oh gawd sweetie....it never really changes. I have eaten a large baq of chips...sitting here, reading of the "real things" people do, and live. I think it's amazing that you are considering Brian's son...an extention of you...and with a womb bursting, you are CONSIDERATE! It is a huge word, like graffiti spray painted across your navel, and the baby warps it with it's feet scraping the insides of you...anxious, oh so anxious.

    We had our babies poor. The truth is, they don't know they're poor 'til Junior High. It's the perfect time to be such. And if you ain't rich by then...well, it's the perfect time to teach them self reliance. Any space is the perfect time to teach them something. So many lessons. So little time. I think you are great! Sincerely. Absolutely. Brian too. And Finn. And the wee one.

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  5. Oh I wish you could have EVERYTHING you ever wanted, you so deserve it Miss Krista.

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  6. This world we live in is a scary place. Sometimes I think humans are selfish in their need to procreate. You are a wonderful mother, Krista. And you will continue to be so. Regardless of your financial situation. I have no doubt.

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  7. my comments won't post so this is a test.

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  8. ok - I will type as anonymous instead of my Google account since it's erased me 7 times now!

    I have been fortunate enough to be with you for the ride of your life since you were born - there were times I knew we didn't have enough money, weren't in a great place to live, lived in fear, and you were shuttled back and forth between parents' houses. The one constant thing in your life was the love both your father and I have for you and that is what your children will carry with them as they grow into adulthood - the constant love of their parents. Thank you for becoming who you are - the most loving, nurturing and loved woman I know. You are true to yourself and your beliefs which makes you a better person than many others.
    Every day is a challenge for us all - just in different capacities - and you will sail through all this with flying colors - I know. Thanks for being you Kritter - I love you, Mom
    PS - Happy Birthday yesterday!!!

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  9. When I was pregnant, I couldn't listen to the news or follow politics or any of it. Had to shut it all out.

    I love apple pie, but my favorite is the way it melts the vanilla icecream, how it slips right off and pools on the plate.

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use your kind words.