i've done things. and nothing. in between the spaces of things.
baby shower, weddings, making to-do list after list so that everything gets done in time for the new baby.
i've seen old friends and the doctor and i've looked at myself in the mirror after feeling as though nothing is going the way we wanted it to.
i've eaten more ice cream than i should have, allowed finn to have chocolate when she didn't finish her dinner.
my niece got married and i fell in love with bryan all over again because we go to family functions and when we drive home, he tells me how much he loves my family. and after we get home to relieve his cousin who is babysitting, i sit and think about how adult we really are to even have a babysitter in the first place when i'm wearing red lipstick and carrying a vintage gold clutch.
he sleeps on the couch because i am the most restless sleeper EVER right now and it's like sleeping on a waterbed, all movement and ripple effect. he pushes on my hips because they hurt right now and rubs my feet even when he doesn't feel like it.
finn kisses the baby and tells my stomach she can't wait to be a big sister. and i take it for now because i know she will change her mind when this big belly turns into a crying baby that takes attention away from her and i'm still wondering if it is a boy or a girl and i can't say i have a preference. two sides. same coin.
my to-do list is full of self-imposed obligations, as well as some real ones and i can't sometimes remember which ones are which but then a friend emails me to ask if i want her to bring some food over after the baby is born and i want to cry because YES i do want that.
today, we had to run errands and during our stop at the mall, finn sat and watched the kiddie train go in circles, waving at the kids passing by. bryan looks at me and says you know what i'm not looking forward to? peer pressure and kids being mean to her.
and i think about words and social networking sites and kids in room with shut doors and i want to crawl inside my new ikea catalog and create the perfect interior because then maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to make the world seem less like the shithole it sometimes is and that if i just choose the right fabric for her curtains, then i will keep the dark shadows where they belong. on the other side.
instead, i end up passing out on the couch after a trip to the grocery store because i just can't seem to finish the simplest of tasks at this point.
twelve days and counting.