Thursday, August 11, 2011

so close

the forest for the trees. even though when i look at the forest, i think of the dark and soft spots of humans that thrive on depravity and shadows that pierce and stab. i simply cannot enjoy the peacefulness of nature without thinking of it as a hiding place, a stomping ground for scars.
too many episodes of intervention, perhaps. too much crime drama on television. the entertainment of depravity and gore. i never minded horror films as a child but was terrified of remote locations.
it's crazy to think we can raise children in this world. it's crazy to think we could raise a child in utopian society. there are turning points for all of us that push us off the edge into the jagged cracks between things. i have mine. you have yours. this is the only truth i know. i cannot think of one person in my life who has a fairy tale childhood. or, if they do, they are unprepared for the evils of the world and unable to accept challenges and defeat. they are unaware of how good the small things can be. and yet...
as parents, don't we want to protect our children from the reality?
i do. and i don't. because i know that the real world will not help them stay pure. i know that one day soon, they will be tempted and they will be lured and they will be betrayed and i want them to hold their samurai swords at an angle over their hearts and dare someone to touch it with dirty hands. i want them to protect themselves without collateral damage. i want them to take no prisoners and yet keep themselves free. i want them to live with integrity and pride and just enough courage to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. i want them to love each other so much that they will stand up in the face of the wrong choice and dare it to wrap its tentacles around them. i want them to roar.
perhaps it's this last stretch of pregnancy. when i'm focused on housecleaning and organization because i think that somehow this will make my life easier once i have to navigate the space between us orbiting finn as the sun and tell her she has to share our universe with the moon.
i am taking these tiny moments, me sitting here writing, bryan working on his computer (but, really, he's reading about football. i just know it.) and finn is eating her sandwich in her underwear. the last few days of being an only child in our world. her dynamic is already changing beyond her control and i'm hoping she sees the love that starts to etch itself into our walls with this new baby and that her ribcage expands when she first sees her little brother or sister. i'm am hopeful for the forest. and the trees.


  1. I've been reading your posts for some time. I subscribe to a bunch of picture/fashion/decorating type blogs where I just flip through the beautiful pictures in seconds. It's fun and there's a time and place for that, but I really appreciate the small handful of bloggers like yourself who give so much more to the world than eye-candy and consumerism. I just want to say you have a beautiful gift for words and wish you the best as your universe expands to envelop your new little one.

  2. @anon:
    that is honestly one of the nicest comments i've ever received and you made my day. thank you.

  3. Your beautiful soul is really my joy to read here Krista.

  4. I want to want a lot. "protect themselves without collateral damage". I want to say it's a pipe dream, but it's not. If any children can wield such a sword, it's yours :)

    I love remote places. Living in this crazy city as I do, I imagine the remoteness safer. And yet I have read the true crime books too. But I grew up traversing miles of creek...alone. It was so much safer than in the house. It's all about your frame of reference isn't it. All our fears. Our courageous parts. They grow from our reality. They grow up and out into our wants.

    Your children are blessed Krista, as are you. Wishing you a beautiful and safe delivery :)

  5. We stayed in a cabin last week that was so remote I was terrified at times. No phone or cell service, no one to even go to for help for MILES and MILES and honestly it felt irresponsible of me as a mother doing it, but at the same time, I breathed and realized everything would be okay, and I needed to get over the false sense of safety I have in the busy city life. The far away offers a silly risk, but an awesome reward.


  6. Your words and thoughts continue to blow me away on an almost constant basis. I get it; I understand it (and you) so much. And I know that if there is any one thing that you might have passed along to Finn, it is your strength. That, I don't think you should have too many doubts about.

  7. we protect them not by keeping them from the forest but by bringing them to the forest and saying, ok, here we go together.

    you're a gorgeous mother. you've a gorgeous child and partner. and you all don't look so bad either:) your spirits will bring you anywhere.

    now breathe. breathe. my god, i didn't miss the new one coming, did i? breathe you lovely woman, lovelier still for your scars.


  8. needed good reading tonight. even though i am unplugged. i plugged back in for you.

    good choice, if i say so myself.

    good luck with this babe. can't wait to hear the name you choose! best best best...xoxo.

  9. beautiful. i love that you think about these kinds of things, maybe because they're the kinds of things i think about, too... :)

    i am all kinds of excited for you! can't wait to hear...

  10. this is quite a reflection on the world through the energy of your impending pregnancy, and i'm lucky to have stumbled across it and you.
    i was living with my sister when she brought home her third, making the boy the middle child. he had a bad week. we were there for him.
    nice to meecha:)

    i especially like how you mix your high hopes for life with the realities of our society.


use your kind words.