it's in the seventies during the day. finn is learning about the seasons at school and she sees pictures of snow and talks about ice skating. she asks if it will be snowing when she wakes up tomorrow. how about after? what about after that? i tell her that no, it won't snow here. we could drive to snow and bryan shakes his head with his eyebrows scrunched and i smile because i know we are the people who want to have the family excursion of driving to the snow to watch her play in frozen dirt and mud for ten minutes before deciding she is too cold and wants to go home. but we aren't really those people, if we're being completely honest. i am in my pajamas. i have been in my pajamas all day. this is the type of people we are. the type of people who think 'oh crap' if there is a knock at the door because what if we won publisher's clearinghouse and i answered the door with my breast milk stained tshirt and camera bulbs flashed. do they even have publisher's clearinghouse anymore? i would still enter except for the fact that someone read my palm once and told me i thought i was luckier than i actually am.
we learn a lot about ourselves when we have children, yes? like my flash of bright white overreaction when finn denies something i know she just did. looks me right in the eye and says 'no.' bryan's bubbling over when she ignores him when he's talking to her. we both know these are our issues, not hers. that we teach her more about herself by the way we react to the worst parts than by the praise she gets for using her kind words. that our broad, sweeping generalizations about her being in 'big trouble' fall into her palms with the same weight of not being allowed to have one more juice box. we all have our boundaries.
yesterday she walked into the bathroom while i was in the shower. and she said 'mommy i love all of your parts. i love your heart. i love my heart.' and i remember that she isn't even four yet. her boundaries are paved with juice boxes and markers on furniture. mine are paved with the intention of prevention. and trying to explain that even though it doesn't snow in los angeles, it still snows. in winter. and that, yes, we can go there. 'after this day? how about after that?