Sunday, March 25, 2012

coffee, ocean, mountain

the coffee is brewing. and it fills the room and i feel clean and rested and relaxed. even though i am none of these things. my tiny giant seven month old son was burning with fever last night and his hands on my chest while he was nursing left marks. i marveled. at his heat. at his body's ability to fight. at his sheer determination to stay awake through the night. his tiny little fingers. grasping the air. his cough. his sister waking up crying because she heard him and she is worried she forgot to tell me to sleep good. hours ago. i smoothed her hair and she rolled over onto her back and i thought about how quickly things change.

i planted tomato plants yesterday. and although the planting and dirt under my nails makes me feel calm, there is a cacophony of anxiety simmering underneath. because i am not good at growing, at cultivating. something always goes wrong and it ends up looking decayed, forgotten. unkempt. no matter how much or how little i water and i hear people talk about the simplicity of growing things and i think i must have been absent when they taught basic life skills on some level because i know how to navigate a grocery store produce aisle like a champ but cannot for the life of me make a fucking tomato grow to term.

i want to live closer to the ocean. where taking a trip to target for non-essential necessities is equidistant to the water. i think i will feel softer, quieter. i think my simmering has something to do with the water in my body bubbling to find itself in the air. the farther away i live from the ocean, the more afraid i am. of everything. i am not a mountain girl.


  1. What is it about things that make us feel tiny? Is it the relief that we are but insignificant? I find the ocean calming too, but I love living near mountains; not in them, but close enough to feel their height. Makes me feel cozy and small and real.

    I hope you find your seaside home soon.

  2. Ah the planting. We are so aware of the drooping leaf, while the thriving child at our breast is a given??? Hell of a lot harder to grow a thriving child than a damn tomato. They are cultivated by yards, by rows, by acres! Hell...if an individual tomato were attended to with the energy required by a would be a obese pumpkin. Fret not the veggies...award yourself for the children who thrive in your home. Every time you post we can see the family farm, and it thrives beautifully.


  3. Sweetheart, I think you inherited my black thumb for growing things. Remember, I've even killed an air fern!!!!

    Your garden, as stated by Wind and Words above, lives inside the walls, not outside. And what a marvelous garden it is! Not to fret about tomatoes - as long as you can find them in the produce aisle, we're set.

    As for the ocean - yes, yes, yes. Knowing I can see the ocean 5 minutes drive from my house - makes me sigh in relief. We share that gene too!!!

    Love you, Mom

  4. There's that great line about someone, in the depth of winter, discovering they held within themselves an invincible summer. I like to think that for you, the time will come when you discover within yourself an invincible ocean. The things you love about the ocean, the way being near the ocean makes you feel... those things are inside you. And you carry them with you with every breath you inhale and exhale.

    I hope things ease up for you a bit. I am the Dexter of houseplants, if that makes you feel any better, and I pride myself on my intuition and my ability to meet the needs of others. Plants and vegetables and fruit are tricky for me.


  5. I live in Florida. In the middle. Sometimes, I drive to the coast. A few days ago I went on a drive. My husband, myself, and our one year old, we got lost on that drive. We made our way to the water, and I told him how much more calm I felt when I was near the water. How NORMAL it made me feel. How I felt like I could breathe. I asked him, "Doesn't it make you feel better?"

    No. It didn't. I was shocked.

    He feels better among mountains.

    I have this idea that maybe my ancestors lived close to the water. Maybe his lived in the mountains?

    Who knows. But I am like you. And I want to be near the water.

    1. i'm totally with you on this one. water water water. even just seeing it makes me feel better.

  6. well i hope your little one is ok! and all better by now!

    i like the ocean, but i tend to think of TSUNAMIS every time i am near it. so....that stresses me out a bit. but having a target nearby helps -- if only someone else would pay for the damn purchases there!

  7. Hi there,
    I'd love to email you about a clothing review! Let me know the best way to get in contact with you.

  8. your physical environment is very real. we get ready to move from here in the next few months, i hope. this place is so very much me. wherever we go i have to be able to touch the earth, shed the cities and towns. it is essential. these things are not to be taken lightly. there is something in you that needs this. you should move:) ha! as though it is that easy...

    your little one and his grasping hands. i hope he's better soon. i trust he will be.


  9. oh! and i kill tomatoes too. wtfrick?


  10. I have been aching for the ocean. Aching. Haven't been there for two years almost. I ache for it with a physical craving. 3,000 miles from the ocean is FAR TOO landlocked for me. And yet, here we find ourselves. No ocean, no mountains, no desert sky - the things I love most - not one of them.


use your kind words.