Tuesday, July 10, 2012


i woke up today and forty was sitting on the foot of the bed. she smiled when i yawned and sat, expectantly, while i stretched my arms and rolled over. i felt like i should acknowledge her but i wasn't quite sure she was real.

see, i have moments where my age creeps up on me and i feel it attach itself around my neck like a fur collar that is supposed to be valuable but actually saddens me because it is the skin of a dead animal draped across my skin. moments where i think i missed out on so many opportunities and i am all of a sudden sliding down a muddy hill without shoes, hoping i land somewhere soft. it is in these moments i panic about the fact that i don't yet have a retirement fund, that my body is starting to fray around the edges, that i never really pursued acting, writing, grad school, teaching. 
i also have moments where i feel unburdened by the ideas i have about age and what it is supposed to mean. i am cool with the fact that, most days, i am the adult in the situation. moments where i feel so far removed from my childhood that i feel free...where my past mistakes are gilded with age and don't rattle their cans behind me when i walk. moments where i am so grateful to get older each day, because going in reverse would be a fucking nightmare. (honestly, the ridiculous notions we tell ourselves when we are young. it's enough to kill you.)  moments where i am unafraid of failure. because i have already failed. over and over again.

when i woke up today, i flung my legs over the side of the bed and sighed. i picked forty up off the bed and wrapped her around my neck and realized...she doesn't feel like fur at all. she's lighter, cooler. 
she smells like baby skin and hearty laughter and her arms are long and short, all at once. 

she's also a lot younger than she sounds.


  1. Happy birthday! May forty be the new infinity scarf =)

  2. happy, happy, day! may it be all you want it to be

  3. Happy Birthday, Miss Lovely Lovely Writer! You capture it all so well. The yes and no of everything...the yin and yang and the very apt place you find your balance. You have such a beautiful spirit, and age will never, NEVER have a bearing on it!

  4. Dear Krista, Happy Birthday! So many good words as always. Don't stop.

  5. I hope you had a happy, happy birthday. My 40's were the very best years of my life, bar none. It was like the final burnings of youth that gave me intense pleasure. Enjoy every single day!!! xo

  6. Looking back is never good - the good ole' "coulda-woulda-shoulda" - we wouldn't be where we are or have the people we have in our lives if we had gone a different road. I've always wished I had flown longer - but there you have it - didn't and it took me a good 20 years to get over it.

    As for your writing - that's still in your future - or anything else you want to do - once the kids are in school, you will have a window of opportunity to pursue your wants, whatever they are. Small window, but an opening, none the less. You have so many more options available than I did at your age - I can't wait to watch you spread your wings!!!!!

    Love you - and for the big FOUR OH you look fabulous! xxoo Mom

  7. Gorgeous post. Happy birthday again to one of the kindest, coolest, young-at-heart-but-old-in-the-soul people I know.

  8. jesusgod, you give me chills.

    Norman Mclean was in his 70's when he published a river runs through it:) and no one says you have to be published to be a writer. you ARE a writer. one of the best i know. success in all forms must make its own definition inside of you))

    there is an unexpected freedom that comes with aging. holy hell, i love it. i am more free now at 42 then i ever was. i wish it for you too)))

    happy belated.


  9. i missed this post! welcome to the 40's! happy belated birthday!

    many parts of getting older are great...not giving a shit about stuff that we used to obsess on, being comfortable and confident in who we are (most days, at least), etc. the tough parts are health worries, but let's not obsess on that today, ok? :) and let's not dwell on failures and shoulda coulda wouldas. that is a huge time suck, and better to think about the good things that are ahead that we can invest time in if we are so inclined. :)

  10. This one made me tear up.

    Happy belated birthday. My parents say their 40s were the best ever.

    I get all of this, even a few years behind you. But as my big sisters tell me, I'm catchin' up.

    Man, I love how you write, Krista.


use your kind words.