i am inherently an over-sharer. i am the girl who, after a couple glasses of wine, will start talking about the marrow of things, the inappropriately intimate matter. (it doesn't always take wine.) i crave confessions. usually butter the airways with my own. i tell too much most times. it is quite narcissistic and, i suppose, off-putting. annoying.
regardless, i will listen if you want to tell me your darkest secrets.
i'll start.
my past abuser is dying. or dead. i'm not sure which.
and i don't know how i feel about this yet. as in, i honestly couldn't tell you what emotion is sitting under my skin. i don't recognize it. it has the same aroma as relief, contentedness. and yet...i wouldn't call it that. it tastes different. a little more red. a splash more yellow. and then there is the grey. let's not forget to mention the grey. because that's where all the flavor is, yes? in the diffused mixture of dark and light? the color of the corner of the room. the color of our eyelids when we're sleeping.
someone recently told me (in so many words) that our demons take their luggage with them when they die.
i would like to believe this is true.
Posts
"i tell too much most times."
ReplyDeleteI think people don't say enough sometimes.
As for demons, I do hope what you said is true for you and others.
-rd
I really do hope that is true.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am afraid I tell too little. I wish I were more open in real life. I think I am missing out by not sharing my dark secrets.
Steph
Here's one: I *wish* my abuser were dead or dying... and that's not really fair, because he's still the father to my siblings, whom I love very much.
ReplyDeleteI don't think our demons take their luggage when they die physically. I think they take them when they die to us mentally/emotionally. That whole "forgiving your abuser" thing-- I think it's just another way of slaying the demons, sending them packing. But the real physical death of my abuser? Wouldn't do much for me, frankly.
I also hope that is true.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also share too much, too soon. Like just meeting people. It's a little awkward at times... but I wouldn't be me if I didn't do that, I suppose.
But still, cringe worthy.
I also tell what most would say is too much...trying to rein that in this year.
ReplyDeleteAs for the dying/dead person? Forgiveness? I have none for him. I still also have none for myself even tho I didn't know....I feel I should have known. I am less angry with myself as years go by -- that's still a work in progress. As for the luggage, it's a personal choice to say it's gone if they are no longer physically here....in my case, it will help a lot since I have resented his being allowed to enjoy life in any way after destroying the innocence and trust of those closest to him.
I wish I could help you with this....but you will handle it in your own way and I pray this event gives you some release.
I love you.
that our demons take their luggage with them when they die.
ReplyDeletei would like to believe this is true.
I believe that is true.