Wednesday, January 27, 2010

three minutes

i saw an old friend and college roommate yesterday. standing on the edge of an afternoon, looking back into the pools of all that we used to be, our warbled reflections mirrored in the light of years later. we talked about mutual friends, timelines fluid, realizing that the break between when we lived together and now contains all variations of degrees of connection, six separations.
it's always nice to reconnect with a person you shared time with and realize that the same invisible thread of mutual love and admiration still glistens when you shine a light on it.

i am steeped in nostalgia this morning. i dreamt last night that i was seven different people and we were all catering the same function. friends who do not know each other danced in circles on the moonlit floor and people i didn't think knew each other went camping together and took drugs. one of the men in my life was kidnapped and it had something to do with his bike. i baked cream puffs and packaged them under twinkling lights for an outdoor movie, people fanned out on the moist grass, blankets and shawls and eyeglasses. i walked past my ex-boyfriends standing together at the bar. we all smiled and waved.

even subconsciously, i keep these men close to my heart, deep in my mind.
i am half lucky, half full of exceedingly good taste.
the men that i have shared time with are amazing, kind, generous, wonderful men. i escaped the path of sadomasochistic behavior generally followed by victims of sexual abuse. i did not choose men who reinforced the idea that sex was a power tool held together with duct tape, that a man's strength was defined by how far down he could push a woman's worth. i was never in an abusive relationship. dysfunctional, one of them, dramatic, of course. because you can't take me out of the occasion/equation.
but abusive...never.

bryan is making belgian waffles right now. because it's wednesday morning and why not.
old school children's albums on the record player. finn wearing her father's green flannel shirt as a cape. bryan says she looks like scottish superhero. i think she looks like e.t.

i am the sum of past relationships. i would not be able to have this relationship were it not for the love given to me by the men before him.
i am still surprised when i look back at my previous relationships and think wow, they really did like/love me. sometimes i look at bryan and think the same thing.

iridescent and invisible, these threads that stitch up the corners of my frayed, somewhat weathered heart. different colors hidden behind the seams. belgian waffles and wednesday mornings.


  1. Oh... Krista! You amaze me! Your inner beauty spills out in enchanted words and wraps itself around your readers.
    I've come to the realization that I have the best blogging friends ever. Although we've never physically met,I thank you for your friendship. You are a precious gem.

  2. The wonderful statement is about still being connected to the past boyfriends (in your case), it says a lot about your character. I can also look back and in most cases, i can and will converse with past girlfriends and have several women who are just friends now. Two closest to me I can not converse with because they are no longer on this plane, but would have no trouble if they were around. It is all good.

  3. I've been reliving past relationships lately also. It is true that every one teaches you something.

  4. It works both ways...I used to always have the hitter, the threats lined with bitter words, the uncaring/don't give a damn personalities in my life.

    Stubborn is as stubborn goes, each mark, each word scorched a lesson on my skin and heart and eventually they taught me what I didn't want.

    These days I still see them in my minds eye and I see Paul and he's everything they are not. I like this side of the human sharing bond. I won't ever choose badly again.

    Beautiful, gorgeous read dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

  5. What a beautiful, thoughtful post - do I always say that? Sorry, it's true.

    I too am with you on having dodged that huge, heavy bullet of falling in and out of bad, abusive relationships - thank God I've only been attracted to men that loved me (even as limited as it was at times) and responded to their kindness.

    I also see in the near future that a date with you and Finn at Porto's is intrinsic to my happiness :)

    And last - I had a dream last night. Maybe you can help me decipher it - you and Finn were in it and you were trying to name Finn, but it was her last name you were trying to choose for her. I kept asking "Wouldn't it make sense to just make her last name what your last name is?" but you were insisting that it needed to be something different.

    I wasn't sure what that meant :)

  6. this is beautiful, and you love so deeply!

  7. I think the same wonderful things about the men in my life both past and present.

    It's so lovely, isn't it to reconnect with friends of yesterday. I love when you can pick up 3, 5, or 10 years later like time stood still.

    A most beautiful and inspiring post as always, Krista.


  8. When I think of my ex boyfriends it is with mixed feelings. I had three serious relationships. One I was in for six good years. And three off-and-on years. It defined me in almost every way and then ended terribly. But the fact that one really bad year could ruin the six great ones makes me so sad. And it scares me how much control that dead relationship has over my current life. I need to adopt your way of looking at things. You're a smart lady.

  9. This is stunning. I have too much spinning in my head to say more right now, but this is so good.

    Holy shit. I just realized how similar this is (in theme only, yours is much more eloquent) to something I wrote in writing practice Wednesday. Crazy.

    And the record reference has me humming "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? The big bad wolf? The big bad wolf?" and "Little white duck, swimming in the water...."

  10. I love your ability to appreciate those people who have built your history. So lovely!

  11. I too am so glad for your past relationships - they prepared you for this family you have - by showing you that you are worthy of loving and allowing you to show your love/like in return.

    Your good heart overflows to all around you allowing everyone to bask in that aura and I know how much they appreciate the sharing of your inner thoughts, demons and dreams.

    I love coming here to read things that you might never say out loud to me (or possibly anyone else). Each visit makes my heart hurt with pride and love at the amazing metamorphosis of abused child into this spectacular vision of love and warmth. Thanks for allowing me to be your Mom.

  12. You are SO awesomely lovable and sweet. You have the rare quality of being sensible and wise and still being able to believe in all things magical. You pick and attract awesome guys because you are awesome. Wish I could do it...everyone I pick either turns out to be an asshole or else they're nice but have issues. I love Finn as ET and belgian waffles on Wednesday sound lovely. You are so rich in so many ways..not lucky, though, I don't want to say lucky, because your outlook on life is beautiful and fantastic and you make great choices for yourself. Saying you're lucky would be like acting like it just fell into your lap. I think you've created your life carefully and intelligently. Much love, S


use your kind words.