i saw an old friend and college roommate yesterday. standing on the edge of an afternoon, looking back into the pools of all that we used to be, our warbled reflections mirrored in the light of years later. we talked about mutual friends, timelines fluid, realizing that the break between when we lived together and now contains all variations of degrees of connection, six separations.
it's always nice to reconnect with a person you shared time with and realize that the same invisible thread of mutual love and admiration still glistens when you shine a light on it.
i am steeped in nostalgia this morning. i dreamt last night that i was seven different people and we were all catering the same function. friends who do not know each other danced in circles on the moonlit floor and people i didn't think knew each other went camping together and took drugs. one of the men in my life was kidnapped and it had something to do with his bike. i baked cream puffs and packaged them under twinkling lights for an outdoor movie, people fanned out on the moist grass, blankets and shawls and eyeglasses. i walked past my ex-boyfriends standing together at the bar. we all smiled and waved.
even subconsciously, i keep these men close to my heart, deep in my mind.
i am half lucky, half full of exceedingly good taste.
the men that i have shared time with are amazing, kind, generous, wonderful men. i escaped the path of sadomasochistic behavior generally followed by victims of sexual abuse. i did not choose men who reinforced the idea that sex was a power tool held together with duct tape, that a man's strength was defined by how far down he could push a woman's worth. i was never in an abusive relationship. dysfunctional, one of them, dramatic, of course. because you can't take me out of the occasion/equation.
bryan is making belgian waffles right now. because it's wednesday morning and why not.
old school children's albums on the record player. finn wearing her father's green flannel shirt as a cape. bryan says she looks like scottish superhero. i think she looks like e.t.
i am the sum of past relationships. i would not be able to have this relationship were it not for the love given to me by the men before him.
i am still surprised when i look back at my previous relationships and think wow, they really did like/love me. sometimes i look at bryan and think the same thing.
iridescent and invisible, these threads that stitch up the corners of my frayed, somewhat weathered heart. different colors hidden behind the seams. belgian waffles and wednesday mornings.