Sunday, February 28, 2010

paperwork and introductions

i start working my new job tomorrow. full time. mon - fri. 
good news and still sad. such a luxury, my sadness at going back to work full-time.
i've had it easy the last two years.
with all the stress, all the anxiety, all the toe dips in the pool of 'not quite making it this month.'

how do we do this?
take pieces of our heart, combined with the tissue of the opposite sex in a myriad of variations and watch it walk around in front of us, bumping and building and stringing letters into words.
i watch her point at letters and say them out loud, people gasping that she's only two! and i wonder when, exactly, i forgot that the mere fact that i can string letters together into words became passe. such a given.
i watch her look at lowercase letters and she doesn't get it and i hear myself say things like yeah, it doesn't make sense, they don't look like the big letters and she laughs and smiles and nods her head. 
sometimes she screams at me and throws her juice. either way, she moves on and forward and onto the next thing.
i'm a little burrowed this evening in my comfortable sweats, ice cream loaded like a shotgun and i'm restlessly exhausted.
i crave change and abhor her when she comes.
two months from now, i will smile and pack my lunch and maybe even buy a bike to ride to work since we share a car and i'll be working close.
i will grow to simultaneously love/hate sunday evenings because they combine the beginning and the end in such a way that makes time slip through my clenched fists, waking up with sand in my sheets, around my head.
until then,
i will pick out my outfit the night before like my mom taught me. to ensure i won't be late.
i will make sure my lunch is packed before i fall asleep.
i will be grateful to have found a job i am looking forward to, especially when so many others are struggling.
i will remind you to check out the bright side project because amazing things happen there, like the ridiculous rug they are giving away today. (um, you still have the rest of this week to enter. just sayin...)
and i will kiss the faces of the two people i have been inseparable from the last two years.
and i will smile because we're going to be just fine.


  1. i want to hug you right now. do you know i'm going through the exact same thing? but i had been home for 3.5 years. back to work for four weeks now.

    you had me laughing - i just realized moments ago that i hadn't figured out what i'm going to wear tomorrow, and i still can't get it in my head to make my lunch on sunday nights.

    good luck to you, krista. cheers to changes and packed lunch. can't wait to hear about new rhythms and balance (and teetering, of course, but balance will come).

    xo elizabeth

  2. oh boy, do i remember this! makes me feel seems like it was so long ago, even though it was only six years ago. and although it won't be easy at times, yes, you will most definitely all be fine.


  3. Oh, I have that same pit of question in my tummy. I wish I could sit and eat some ice cream with you.

    I'm considering leaving my job because I hate it. And why leave what I love most for something that makes me so miserable? Other than bills and life... damn Sunday Night Blues.

    Congrats on your new job. I will be wishing you good balancing thoughts :)


  4. Good luck and strength - such a hard thing to do, but as you say you'll get into a rhythm ...

  5. Good luck, lady! I'm sending positive thoughts your way, but I know you'll be more than fine without them :-)

  6. Good luck - I'm thinking of you today!

  7. Hard, rock solid hard place. I daresare the kids fare far better than we do. Hold each moment close...collect them in your pockets. Pull out morsels and crumbs and follow them home each night to gather again for tomorrows sustenance.

  8. it is hard to leave little ones but it will make time together so very special. good luck with the new job.

  9. Best of luck to you, Krista. You are a mom of the highest caliber. Nothing will change that.

  10. change. change is the Smith that works the metal of our being and you have captured and processed it so beautifully here. thrive endlessly!

  11. I completely "get" the mixed emotions. I hope today went well, and I hope you came home feeling excited for what lies ahead. Can't wait to hear (read).

    By the way, Krista, I love how I can read your blog sometimes and you write what I've felt, but have not been able to put into words. So, thank you.

  12. Hey Krista, By now you're home so I hope you had a good first day back in the workforce. I have no doubt this wasn't easy for you. As lucky as you were to spend so much time with your beautiful daughter these last two years (I am somewhat jealous of that), it will be good for you to be out, even as hard as it might be away. I wish you luck and happiness now and in the future.

  13. Kritter - hope your first day was awesome and you were welcomed home with kisses and open arms and questions about the world of coffee. I have a bike for you! actually, 2. Will bring them up when I come up to babysit. xxoo (these are my kisses and open arms)

  14. You had a chance to witness the sweetest moments of a child's life and will see many more. But those groundbreaking ones are all the ones the reveal themselves in that first year. I know you will all be fine, change is good at times. Especially when you know that some things don't change (a mother's love)and will be waiting for you at home once again. (Hugs)Indigo

  15. I don't think it could ever be easy to go back to a full time job.
    That is definitely one of my motivators for running away to South America.
    This is also why I am way too selfish to ever have children. You're a better woman than I!

  16. it's awesome you stayed home for two years. i did for three with Lola and i will never ever regret it despite the great financial setbacks. you are going to rock your new job.

  17. have been thinking of you all week. so proud of you. can't imagine how hard it must be. but you are:

    and a whole bunch of excellent adjectives.

    sending so much love...


  18. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well in your new job. I know just what you mean about wishing and longing for change and then hating it when it arrives. I am curious about your new job. I sure hope it's writing. You are fast becoming my favorite wordsmith. I'm thinking of you. Best of luck!

  19. I really hope your first day at work went well...can't wait to read some details! Hugs to you friend, I can't even imagine how tough it must have been to leave the pancake for a day. Sunday nights are sooo hard and after 6 years of a full-time job I STILL hate preparing my lunch the night before, but it gets done anyway. :)

  20. Just found you via Bright Side. Hope all has gone well for you with your new work. I enjoy reading your words, they are are arranged so well, it takes me to other places. I am no young person on the outside only inside, but I have come to my time of life when I would like to enjoy my last leg of the road. No, I'm not that old - 63 - not as old as I used to think it was when I was 25. Enjoy your life and live it to the fullest. Sounds like you're doing that. Appreciate the small things, like the sun coming up, your child's wonderment at a blade of grass. Remember it's this human being's first time to experience so many things.

  21. haha that's the story of my life! :)

  22. Good luck! I actually envy you at the moment. A full-time job, with actual adults, sounds like heaven to me. But I know as soon as the day came I'd probably cry and want to stay home with Jack.

  23. You can do it and make it work but I won't say it doesn't bring up some issues! I've been working since my daughter was a baby and it is gratifying in many ways but I do feel a bit splintered at times.

  24. A new page of your life. I'm sure you'll fill it with brightly colored hope, love, and grace, as you've done everything else. Have you gotten a book deal yet? Someone ought to jump on that quickly, you are one of a kind.


use your kind words.