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Saturday, January 22, 2011

99.9 percent effective

i'm eating toast with butter and nutella with vivid dreams from last night keeping me from napping. my sense memory has been hijacked by hormones and i'm remembering the way the ocean feels just off the coast of south maui when i dove underneath at eight thirty in the morning. i woke up underwater with salt drying on my skin and i felt warm and tan. then i remembered i haven't felt that ocean in 9 years and it evaporated, the sea air vanishing between windowpanes.
laying in bed last night, i found myself wrapped in a quilt of regret, patch-worked and worn. do you ever have those moments? when you find yourself in the middle of a masquerade ball and you slowly start to realize that the glimpses behind the masks are video loops of every mistake you've ever made. every bad decision dressed up in borrowed clothes and stilettos and you think i would probably do that differently now that you mention it.
 
finn gave herself a tattoo the other day with a pen when we weren't looking. it was inspired, creative. bryan and i both have multiple tattoos and i realize she mimics us in so many ways. she talks about her boyfriend at preschool and she says she likes him because he says 'yes' and 'no' for her and i bryan and i look at each other and he says 'baby, you need to use your words at school. you need to tell the teachers your words.' and i say (slightly under my breath but yet not) 'besides, your boyfriend should never speak for you.'

i am approximately 11 weeks pregnant with baby number two. i am really sick and the battle to not throw up in public is ongoing. i have a nasty sinus infection left over from the christmas flu (which i had to battle sans medicine since i found out i was pregnant two days before christmas) and i cannot sleep through the night. pregnancy and i do not get along very well and i cannot believe how easy i had it the first time considering i did not have a toddler in the mix. we are blessed and lucky and grateful. full disclosure:  this is baby number two on birth control. we had already decided we were not going to have any more children for financial and safety reasons. we are not where we need to be financially to have another baby and i am no spring chicken. i will be 39 this year. apparently my ovaries heard our conversation and figured it was last call and decided to go big or go home.

i am not ungrateful. we are over the moon about this baby and i know how hard some people try to conceive and i have no idea why the combination of bryan and i together defies birth control. i do not question it. i say thank you and i look forward. and i think that there is no other man that exists that i could ever imagine having a family with and i gather them close to me and say a silent thank you to the powers that be and to my body for ignoring me. then i throw up again and cry a bit and crawl back onto the couch on my left side and try to take a nap and ask bryan to make me more toast. and even though he has the flu, he does.



 

 

25 comments:

  1. i swear, i would swell me a big belly, but not a momma-to-be belly, but a MAMA belly. i'd wrap me my apron 'round it and i'd tuck you all to bed. and then i'd get me going a big ole pot asoup. somekindacontraption, and i'd bring it to you, all of you, and feed you if i'd have to. i'd even wipe the bit that came outta the corner of your mouth.

    you kids just hold tight.

    i am happy for you. happy. you are good good people. you're just now making more good good people.

    xo
    erin

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  2. I don't know what to say, yet I want to say something. I don't know you, but I want to hug you. Telling you that I think you are brave and wonderful, and that your husband is awesome seems strange since I am just someone who reads your blog. But, I have a suspicion that those things are all true, so I won't hit delete.
    I am happy for you. And, I hope the nausea goes away soon!

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  3. Congratulations Krista! I am so happy for you and hope that the next few months are filled with lots of naps :)

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  4. a baby! how wonderful! really. happiness. i hope you wake up one day soon and realize the overpowering urge to throw up has disappeared. hooray for happy news!

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  5. I'm so happy for you!

    I've been on this journey with you for some time now, watching Finn grow before my eyes. Honestly sweet friend I can't think of a better two to parent another child than you and Brian.

    For the nausea, try drinking room temperature ginger ale. It's the only thing that would settle my stomach when I was pregnant. (Hugs)Indigo

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  6. Baby number two?! I think it's amazing :-)
    Unexpected is always a little frightening, but you two are wonderful parents, and I can't wait to hear about your new adventures as a foursome.
    P.S.- I'm pretty sure it'll be a boy.

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  7. Congrats:) I can so relate! I got knocked up twice on BC. It definitely throws you for a loop, but hey what would life be with out a surprise every now and again?!

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  8. Ah, this is good news. And that is one lucky baby you're hatching there, through the nausea and hormonal turbulence.
    Never be apologetic for feeling unsettled, uncomfortable, unreal during pregnancy - it is of itself all of these things. You will feel better soon.
    Congratulations, I look forward to sharing some more of this adventure.
    And PS, all the babies expected this year seem to be boys ....

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  9. Oh honey... hang in there. Congratulations :)
    Thank you for being so honest... it's a breath.
    Thinking of you.

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  10. congratulations!!!! so wonderful! have you tried saline spray for the infection? sometimes that helps and its medicine free.

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  11. Congratulations. I love how you've embraced this little miracle who demanded to take root, grow, and be known. The regret blanket unravels, when you remember all the good stuff, and let loose the reigns of what wasn't.

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  12. See what they're saying about boys? I still have the "boy's" first Christmas stocking that I bought the day after you told me - all blue and fuzzy.

    And Finn's tattoo? At least y'all don't have all kinds of piercings!!!! I think it's cute. And I sure hope she learns to never let anyone speak for her - make her own voice be heard in this world.

    Your regrets/musings? It's hard not to reflect back and do the "woulda-coulda-shoulda". I will never say anything to you about what you should do or should have done since all I have to do is look in the mirror and WHAM - there goes the thump on the head. You are the best thing to happen in my whole life - lots of missteps, but you and your expanding family bring me such joy and make my heart swell with pride when I speak of y'all to others. Baby Kulisch will join this happy family and feel so safe surrounded with all these loving people. You, my dear, bring tears of joy to my eyes..I love you so much.

    Thank you for sharing your family with me as much as I want - it means a lot.
    Mom

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  13. Congratulations on baby #2. defying the odds just makes it that more special. I understand what you mean about 39 biologically but speaking as a mere 38 year old I look at the next 40 years with excitement. As version 2.0 of my life.

    I wish you and your B and F and future ? all the smiles the world can provide.

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  14. I am thrilled for you! I love the line about your ovaries going big or going home. :) I am sorry you're feeling so sick, but I am just grinning over here about your birth control babies.

    Much much love to you, Krista. (Why am I stewing that you didn't tell me earlier? Don't you consider that your internet-stranger-friends want to hear these things first??! ;)

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  15. By the way, the whole first section here with the masquerade ball imagery? Gorgeous. I love it, and picture it exactly as I read what you've written.

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  16. congratulations to your pending little one, he's (she's) been blessed with a beautiful future family.

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  17. i wish nausea vanished immediately and the pregnancy continues normal. you are very brave. hold on, all your followers pray for your safety.
    xoxo

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  18. oh my GOSH! I am so excited for you! what's that line about we make plans and God laughs... ;)

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  19. OH how wonderful. Congratulations, lady. Can't wait to see this evolve into more beautiful words.

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  20. Wow - what a surprise!!!!
    I think that sometimes the absolute greatest joys are the ones we really question our sanity on...and I think babies are lovely(especially for those of us on the other side of the blog!).
    CONGRATS on your wonderful surprise and I'm ready to read about all the misery and joy and tears and laughs that come with a new little one!!!

    (and your moms comment totally made me cry!!!)

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  21. Aw my dear....sending you so much love.

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  22. Love and hugs and cupcakes (the kind that don't make you throw up) and I'm thinking wonderful thoughts for you :) Congrats, sweetie. Little sister or brother will be beautiful.

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  23. congratulations and i do hope the nausea goes soon! sea sick bands sometimes work with nausea

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  24. Oh my goodness, I just don't even know what to say!! I can't even imagine how adorable Finn is going to be with her new precious baby brother or sister!! AHHHHH too awesome!!
    Love yous!
    Monkey

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  25. Yay, yay! For what it's worth, my first thought was that it's a boy, too.

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use your kind words.