b was gone for almost 48 hours and i'm so glad he's home. i have a fatalistic bloodline running from my tip to my toes. i know a woman married to a cop. i asked her if she ever sleeps when he is gone. i go there, she said. i imagine the worst and follow the spiral including who i would call, how i would tell the kids, where i would go. once i go there, i'm fine. and i can sleep. because i feel like i'm sort of in control.
i have heard myself say out loud recently that i am an avid reader. i haven't finished a book in months. i've got a family member who just started chemo and another one about to give birth. in the past six months, i have made new friends. that's the first time that has happened in years. do you ever wonder, when you make new friends, if their version of you and your old friends' version of you match? if they overlap? or are we merely playing multiple roles of epic variations?
Posts
I have thought before of how we, perhaps, make ourselves up and others, too -- how we shape and craft relationships as we go. I also think that facing our fears, acknowledging them as possibilities, is the only way to dispel them. I do it daily and it enables me to move forward with more ease, at the least, and joy, at most.
ReplyDeletei'm a bit envious of new friend making...i'm finding it hard to do here, even though i grew up here, maybe because i grew up here.
ReplyDeleteand also, maybe because of the old kristen, that definitely doesn't jive with how i am now, but is the last remnant of me that is here, even though that was decades ago.
Oh my... my husband has a commute that is at least an hour each way, and if he is even just a few minutes late my mind goes there. Fast. He's starting to work from home more often, and I am so, so thankful for that.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of new friends vs. old and the versions of ourselves... I have thoughts about that, and how it seems like we're pulled in different directions every day... but I can't make sense of the thoughts this early....
(love that you're writing more here. love it. trying to take some inspiration from your practice and kick my own butt into gear...)
I don't think I am the same to anyone, so it's always interesting when we all find ourselves in one big group and I *feel* like they are all looking at me and are like "I don't know this version of you." But realistically they probably don't notice at all.
ReplyDeleteSteph
Oh god, the fatalistic thing, I've had a post brewing about it for a while. Husband commutes by motorbike. Say no more.
ReplyDeleteMy interesting point of intersection (clumsy)is when new friends meet old friends of mine and I see them trying to reconcile me - the new friends who connect with the old are the ones who will stick around I think.
This is exactly how you will be when the kids start driving - I worried so much if you were 5 minutes late since we didn't have cell phones then. I used to worry a little about your Dad when he was still with LAPD although being a detective, he was usually there after the event had occurred. Still, anyone he had helped arrest could carry a grudge. It's difficult when those we love so much as out of our "safe zone".
ReplyDeleteFunny, I worried about Bryan's trip too - pictured the car breaking down or something and no help, no phone service, etc. Was so relieved when I saw your test that he was home. Whew.
Point is, even tho we have no control, if we didn't care, we wouldn't worry. So I guess the answer is, anytime we are not with our loved ones, before they go anywhere, remind them how much you care. And I know you two do that for one another and the kids constantly as you do with all your loved one (I can attest to that myself!!!)
Love you!
Mom
Versions of me. This is interesting and one that I have some experience with. I've talked to some old high school friends that I had not kept in contact with. They all say that my personality now is consistent with my personality then. Considering I can't remember "then", it's been interesting to ask people to compare. I feel worlds away from whomever I may have been 35 years ago!
ReplyDelete