tomorrow she will wake up and be 5. five.
five.
i like to think of things in five year increments. one hand. if curled up, a fist. it is something i can understand, the palm of a hand. something i can relate to. something i can look at and think...
ah, yes. i remember meeting you.
my daughter is now more her own than mine at all. i talk to her and spend the majority of my time with her and yet...i am closer and closer to knowing her less and less as time goes on. i'll never really know how she sees things, how she feels. i will know what i intuit, i will know what she says. i will know her through the filter of me and i know for a fact that i will be the mother who tries to understand her angst through my own. i will always feel like she is the most important girl in my life, even as my status in hers shifts and molds to her needs. i will always be her biggest fan, her biggest support. i will always be on her side. even when she draws a fence between us. for now, i will breathe in her need to be involved at all times, her need to have my attention, her need to be validated in the minutiae. i will look back five years from now and i will remember how we made cupcakes and i wrapped her presents to open tomorrow while she was in preschool and how she went to bed saying tomorrow is going to be the BEST DAY EVER! i am going to wake up and i am going to be FIVE!
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Happy 5th birthday to her :)
ReplyDeleteAnd it is so true, and such an odd thing, to not be able to be in their little heads to know what they feel and see. Hardest, and most fun, part of being a parent.
I totally concur with everything you said, especially how you would like to know her but may never really know the whole her - since I have lived this with you - we talk, we are honest, but do I feel I truly know you well? Not really - you are a person unto yourself and as much as I say I know you, I still learn things about you every time we talk or you make an entry here or I listen to you talking to Bryan or the kids. I truly learn something new about you every single time - and it's hard to comprehend that someone who is a part of you, is raised by you and nurturued and loved by you can still be somewhat of a familiar stranger... but there you have it - you are my daughter, my best friend and I can pretend to know you well and how you would react to something.....but for me it's still a guessing game. I'd like to think I get it right at least 50% of the time.... :)
ReplyDeleteAs for my MufFinn.....she is truly a person unto herself and I love that about her - yet it's a little daunting knowing that this 5 year old has me buffaloed at times!!!!!
Love you, love her. Mom/Mimi
I love reading all your comments. What a beautiful relationship. <3
DeleteThank you - we do have a pretty special bond and I am so thankful every day.
Deletethe word is nurtured.....duh.....
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Finn, for yesterday! And well done you. In my 7 months experience of FIVE, it is FABULOUS!
ReplyDeleteYou may not always feel that you're the most important girl in her life but you will always, always be her mum - and that is gold.
Happy fifth birthday, little girl. I hope you one day realize that you have the coolest mom on the planet.
ReplyDeleteOh, happy Birth Day to you, Mama! And to your little five year old! May blessings follow her always.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a joy to watch her grow up via the glimpses I get here. You have such a beautiful, mother's heart.
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